By Jilliana Antoniewicz
It’s very interesting that although the very topic that I am wanting to write on is faith, I am having difficulty allowing myself to experience faith through the process. Fear is creeping up and wanting me to question my whole process and run.
My own blogging website? Sure, no problem. I can get the words out and I have no problem with posting but me submitting to someone else? Eek. Here comes the avoidance. Here comes the resistance. Here comes the fear.
Every time we are asked to up level in a new area of our life, grow, and face the unknown, God is inviting us to be seen more and being seen can be scary. Being seen in our vulnerability exposes us for potential critiquing and, well, rejection. But if we are living our lives for applause and approval, we aren’t going to get very far. And it is for this very reason being seen requires faith. Faith is what allows us to put our trust and obedience in God’s will. It doesn’t become about us anymore. It becomes about Him and his purpose for us.
You see, for the past 8 years I have been on my healing journey and in recovery from all forms of abuse-mental, sexual, physical, emotional, and financial. I have been healing in layers from past drug addiction and self-harm and it’s been a process. But most of all what I have been healing and in recovery from is fear. However, I am not talking about the natural fear in response to physical danger. I am talking about the fear that when left unchecked can paralyze, self-sabotage, and cripple you from making the right choices in life. The choices where God is calling us. The choices that call us towards right living and leading and walking with faith.
Because of my past history, growing up in a broken household filled with trauma and pain, I only made choices that perpetuated suffering. I thought this was normal and so majority of my life I was placing myself in chaotic situations where I didn’t choose better because I didn’t know better. Fear is what I only knew but I didn’t even know that I was living with fear and allowing it to run my life. How could I even begin to make changes with something that I wasn’t even aware of? I couldn’t.
This is what fear does to us when it goes unchecked. It blinds us to our pain. It blinds us to our choices. It prevents us from showing up honestly and standing in our authentic power to make changes. It causes us to run, hide, duck, and cover from God’s love and healing presence. It blinds us to our reality and this is exactly what the enemy wants for us. He wants to continue convincing us of all the lies of why we aren’t worthy, why we can’t trust ourselves or trust God, why we can’t change, and how we should just settle for a mediocre and painful life because nobody will love us. He likes to sneak in to our weak points, our blind spots of where our trauma patterns can take ahold of us and keep us stuck in fear, insecurity, doubt, and confusion. Yet, it is for this very reason that we must take our power back. It is f
or this very reason we must begin to heal from our past and begin to invite God into every part of our life, especially our fears.
Choosing to live by faith and not fear doesn’t mean we won’t have our challenges. We will still feel afraid at times but choosing to live by faith means that we are ready to put on the spiritual armor of God, live by choice and not by chance, and finally carry out the destiny that God has chosen for us. We don’t wait anymore for our circumstances to change.
We begin to make better decisions by living now. We rely on God for guidance, protection, and support. We don’t do life alone anymore and we also, most importantly, don’t postpone prayer. In fact, it is exactly when feeling afraid that we must use prayer even more profusely. It is through our most vulnerable moments and our greatest transitions that we must invite God more in and maintain a honest conversation with him with what we are experiencing. Honesty with God calls for honesty with ourselves and honesty with ourselves calls for honesty with our shortcomings, our weaknesses, and our fears. When we admit our vulnerabilities and call on God for guidance and protection the enemy can’t get us. This then becomes radical faith in action.
Jilliana Antoniewicz is happily to report she is a born again Christian and a returnee to the Catholic faith after 10 years. After experiencing a rock bottom 8 years ago, she was led to take her life back and begin her recovery from trauma and addiction. While in the process, she experienced a spiritual awakening in 2011 that led her to walk away from her everything she knew in order to heal which included her doctorate program, her therapist licensing journey, yoga teaching, a 9 year relationship, and even her finances.
Being stripped from everything, she learned to rely solely on God through the whole process and this is what her first book will be all about-her testimony of faith, her recovery towards wholeness, her salvation in Jesus Christ and a beautiful homecoming to the Catholic faith.
Besides finishing up this book, she is in the works of creating daily devotionals and blogging centered around faith, spirituality, authenticity, wholeness, healing, and growth. On her spare time, you can find her singing, dancing, praying, meditating on God’s word, talking to Jesus, hiking, and loving hard in every moment she experiences. You can find her on Instagram at notesonbeing and her blogging website notesonbeing.weebly.com.